I've decided
I've been piecing me back together so slowly. I'm feeling whole, complete. Months ago I was asking myself how do I surrender? What does that mean? What does that look like? Now I get it. I get what surrender means, for me.
Its to sit in the shame I was avoiding. It's to tell myself the truth. It's to sit slouched over, head down, stomach untucked instead of try to heal by fixing me. This journey has been hard to navigate because it's been just me. My ego wanted to identify with something every step of the way instead of just be. Identifying with "healing", identifying with my misery. I'm honestly so sick of the word ~healing~journey~.
We put ourselves in a box when we identify to anything - an artist, a healer, an athlete, a dancer, a doctor- we are way to fluid to be one thing, but the world is in a rush so we feel we can't take the time to try new things. Try new things and not succeed, try new things and decide 'it's not for me'. It's why we settle for what we think we're meant to be. It's why we're afraid to change our minds because that would be hypocritical or contradicting. But what if we're supposed to be? Who decided those are bad things?
I've decided.
Why do I have to love one thing and hate its opposite? Why can't I change my favorite color every two months? Why can't I like pineapple on my pizza but sometimes not? Why is the first thing we ask someone when first meeting is what do you do? I do many things, including stare at my ceiling in silence so I can hear my heart beat, hear myself think. Breaking generational cycles is not for the weak. I am light and dark, everyone is.